![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.worldoflongmire.com\/features\/romance_novels\/submissions\/reunion.jpg\")
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The basic rules of romance novel writing is simple:\u00a0 The male should always be wealthy, stunningly handsome, driven with a purpose, prone to many mistresses and incapable of distinguishing between rape and forceing sex from a woman mouthing “NO!”.\u00a0 Once you understand these principles, the rest is as simple as filling in Mad Libs.<\/p>\n
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Samatha stormed across the [name of Greek\/Sicilian\/Spanish\/British sounding mega-corporation<\/strong>] building lobby, grabbed her plain vinyl backpack and began to skid across the marbled floors, the soles of her inexpensive Jimmy Choo imitation heels lacking any traction to stop her forward momentum.\u00a0 Her body began to lose its balance, but Samantha\u2019s skate across the lobby floor ended when she barreled into [Male romantic figure #1, with a sophisticated, wealthy sounding Greek\/Sicilian\/Spanish\/British name<\/strong>].\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She felt his large, gloved hands grab wrap around her tiny waist as he steadied Samantha, who felt her body plow into a wall of hard male muscle.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you okay, Miss?\u201d<\/p>\n Samantha felt the deep, throaty voice of her rescuer [Choose 1:<\/em> vibrate\/melt\/incinerate\/corrode<\/strong>] her spine, feeling a rush of warmness reach her cheeks.\u00a0 She looked up and was [Choose 1:<\/em> thunderstruck\/transfixed\/sickened\/death rayed<\/strong>] by the [Choose 1:<\/em> Greek\/Norse\/Indian\/Kobald<\/strong>] God-like features of the tall, athletically lean gentleman who held her in his strong arms.\u00a0 She could only muster a small, awkward squeak as Samantha stared into intense [Choose 1:<\/em> midnight black\/golden black\/forest green\/blue grey\/Ebola red<\/strong>] eyes.\u00a0 His bronze skin covered superior bone structure and a strong jaw line covered by [Choose 1:<\/em> stubble\/light beard\/leftover dried Frosted Flakes<\/strong>].<\/p>\n She felt his long fingers move along her spine before traveling along the muscles of her thighs and calves.\u00a0 \u201cWha…wha…what do you think you\u2019re doing\u201d,\u201d she asked.\u00a0 Samantha straightened up, her shyness spiraling into alarming self-consciousness over such public probing.<\/p>\n \u201cYou didn\u2019t answer so I had to make sure you were okay.\u00a0 In another life, I might have been a [Choose 1:<\/em> doctor\/nurse\/wizard\/shaman<\/strong>], or at least I\u2019d like to think so.\u201d\u00a0 His voice was cool as he withdrew his fingers.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for catching me,\u201d Samantha responded, \u201cbut I could have done without the medical exam.\u201d<\/p>\n He straightened up, slowly adjusting the tie on his custom made Italian [Choose 1:<\/em> suit\/leotard\/titanium armor\/hazmat suit<\/strong>].\u00a0 \u201cNext time,\u201d he offered, \u201cI will make sure to let you slam into the wall.\u201d<\/p>\n — (c)2014 Slow Suburban Death.\u00a0 All rights reserved<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The basic rules of romance novel writing is simple:\u00a0 The male should always be wealthy, stunningly handsome, driven with a purpose, prone to many mistresses<\/p>\n
\nThe above image has been borrowed from “Longmire does Romance Novels,” a delightful parody of book covers from those steamy novels (http:\/\/www.worldoflongmire.com\/features\/romance_novels\/readers_covers.htm).<\/p>\n